my favorite mistake

He was my favorite mistake. He was the greatest risk had to take in my 25 years of existence. Was he worth it? At first, I thought yes, he could be the one. I told him. But after a month of living together..no he was not worth it. Yes, he was my favorite mistake.

Finally had the guts to leave my long time live in partner for him. I always told myself - right the wrongs of the past.. so I did my best to make it work. Never cheated on him. Never looked at another man. Never even thought of looking at another man. I thought he could be the one. I fought for him - but I guess it wasn't enough.

I was happy with him. We were happy together. He was 3 years younger than I am. He was full of energy. He was such a baby. He was ruggedly good-looking. He had this smile - a smile that could melt your heart.

Though he had a nasty smoking habit, and it bothered me all the time. I had to bribe him with new shoes to minimize his smoking to 3 sticks a day. But of course it didn't work. Just like us - we did not work.

He was without remorse. He never looked back. He never said sorry. He never said anything - said there was nothing to say. So I made him leave. And he did. Packed his bags and left. Not looking back.

I did everything to make it work. I was true to him. I had so much faith in him. I never was jealous. I never was clingy. He can do anything he wants, go out anytime he wanted, spoiled him to death. But still, it was not enough.

He was my favorite mistake. And now, I'm facing the consequences.

my 2008

my 2008 was more like this....full of drama. i lost some friends, then i gained new ones, then lost them again.

I fell in love, fell out of love, then fell in love again. I realized one thing though... i would always be on the safe side..afraid of taking risks, afraid of making a mistake.

Pulling me back

It has been a long time!

How have I been? Well... I haven't attended church since Christmas Eve of 2007. No wonder my life has been shallow, if not empty, lately. And to think my dad is a minister. Tragic and sad... because I'm not doing anything about it. I feel like I'm slowly being drawn to the dark side... Hmmmmm...

At the start of the year, I promised to be a better person. I guess promises are meant to be broken, because I haven't been the best person for the past 3 months. I don't even have an excuse. I'll try. Ok, here's one: because it makes me happy?

Anyway...

Maybe I haven't totally gotten over him yet? I no longer wish things were back to the way they were, but he still has this hold over my emotions. I guess the bond we shared was deeper than I thought. The past couple of days, I have deliberately ignored him, even if he was standing right in front of me. Acted like he didn't exist. And he did the same way. I didn't know if it was bitternes on his part, but it really pissed me off. But yesterday, he was the one who broke the ice. I don't know if I should be happy or what, but he still sure has this hold on me. Just like Chingy's Pulling me back song, "everytime I try to leave, something keeps pulling me back, me back, telling me I need you in my life."

burying the hatchet and moving on

i've been trying to move on since... i don't know when. sometimes I think i have already, but there are times..*sigh* he still has this hold on me, y'know. when i see him, i still get this longing feeling..longing to be with him again, to hold his hand, to hear him say the words "i love you", to know that I'm the only one for him... but sometimes, i find myself rolling my eyes of the absurdity of my feelings towards him when i see him pass by. i mean, get a life right? I tell myself, "it's never gonna be that way again. things will never be the way they used to be." He said he wants to go back to being friends, but when were we ever friends anyway?

but, it is high time to move on. although it's hard to let go of the memories, i have to. i know i'll always have them anyway. i'm sure he's happy now. she's a great girl, with a big heart and she loves him so much - more than i can really love him. and he deserves it. He once asked me to be happy for him. And I did try! I really did. I guess my bitterness got the best of me. Now I know he's better off with her. And I am better off without him.

random thoughts of an idle mind

- first time i saw him, he was wearing white shirt and red shorts, walking with his head down, unkempt hair, and without a care in the world... then he was sitting beside me in a dark garden, smelling of what i thought was paco rabanne scent... the next thing i knew, he got my heart skipping.

- i think i've met my match. he's as flirt as i am, he tells me things i never thought any guy could say with a straight face, and it really bothers me. of course i like him, but as for his feelings for me? IDK. i guess, two can play the game.

- sleeping beside someone special for the first time could be the best thing that could ever happen to you. knowing he's there inches away from you can be comforting. but it can be nerve-wracking too! and you end up not getting even a wink of sleep, consciously trying to ignore him as his knees lean against your body. you try very hard not to feel his presence, but you're also trying very hard resisting the urge to face him and touch him. it's not that easy. but when the alarm on your phone sounds off, it's back to reality for both of you. and you wake up with a huge smile on your face even though you didn't get any sleep at all.

- living with your partner changes a lot of things. it could be a start of something exciting, but as for my experience, it has slowly extinguished the fire. don't get me wrong. i like the set up and i know i can't live without him. it's just that, since i see him everyday, there's not much to look forward to. what's worse is when he doesn't feel the same way you do. of course there are good days and there are bad days. there are days that i go home rushing to see him before he leaves for work. but when i get there, everything's not where they are supposed to be. but the best part is, even though i have seen the worst in him, have smelled him at his worst, i still love him. i still wake up early monday morning to iron his clothes, slave off to wash his white undershirts, and his underwear.

- yesterday on our way home, there was a man lying on the street, hit by another vehicle while driving his motorcycle. he was lying there for an hour waiting for the paramedics to come rescue him, while people, including me and my friend Duran, were watching, like it was some kind of shooting in the movies. it makes you think, your life can be taken away from you in an instant. if it's time, it's time. then makes you appreciate life even more.

of premarital sex and unwanted pregnancies

I've never been against premarital sex. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I was against it. But I've never been a fan of pregnancies. To be honest, I don't want to get pregnant at all, I'm scared of it and I'm doing everything I can not to get pregnant. My eldest sister got pregnant while she was still in her junior year in college, and had to be married as soon as possible. My brother got his girlfriend pregnant while we were seniors, and they had to be married too. And it hurt my father a lot. After that, I swore to myself I would never be stupid to get pregnant. That I would never hurt my father like that. Now, I'm even scared to get pregnant even if I get married before that happens.

The last 2 weeks I've been getting updates from one of my childhood friends regarding one of our friends who is said to be 6 weeks pregnant. Turns out when we had our little drinking session on Christmas day, she already knew she was pregnant, but never told anyone about it. She finally told one of our friends and they've been cooking up plans on how to tell her mom that she's pregnant. And I know how scary that can be. She was even thinking of having an abortion. What's worst is, the father of the child she's carrying is a married man. He was her ex-boyfriend back in high school but apparently, they've been seeing each other in secret.

My mom even asked me about it, thinking I knew since day one what was going on.

Mom: "Na-in love siguro sya"
Me: "No, nagdinanghag sya" (sorry for the harsh word)
Mom: (laughing) "Bitaw, daghan baya ways to avoid that"

True.

Eventually, her mom learned about the pregnancy from a friend from church. Turns out a lot of people already knew about it, and according to my mom, she seemed to be the last person to know. And that she's having a hard time accepting it. Poor her.

I wish I was there for my friend, to help her through it, to be with her when she tells her mom about it, to be with her when everything in her life changes - through morning sickness and cravings, or maternity clothes shopping, or through bouts of super sensitivity. I also wish I told her to use condom or to just be careful. I even wish I could have been a good example to her.

I spoke to her once but didn't give her any inkling that I know something about her pregnancy. I know I've been MIA for the past 12 years, so I know she must feel uncomfortable telling me stuff like this. I want her to tell me when she's ready. But I also want her to know that whatever happens, I will be there for her.

thankful

I was supposed to post this before 2007 ended and never got around to doing so. But, it's never too late to be thankful, ain't it? So here goes...

before year 2007 ends, i'd like to take the time to be thankful to all the good things that happend. sometimes, when things are going so well, we tend to forget to thank God or to thank the people who have been part of those happiness, who have been reasons for why we should be thankful. this year, there have been bad days and there have been good days, just like the years that have passed. but each passing year, as we grow older, we also become wiser, more intuitive, more thankful, more thoughtful and more careful of our actions. in my prayers, I always thank God for the laughter, especially the ones I share with my friends.

The past year, there was also pain - pain I brought upon myself. But looking back, I don't regret any of that. But there's also that pain knowing that I have hurt the person I love. But I am still thankful that I am here today, still able to love, still able to laugh, in the company of the people I love. Although some are far, they will always be in my heart and they are always thought of.

I am one of those people who have been fortunate with their careers, and I know I wouldn't be here if not for my bosses. They have always been good to me and guiding me to the right path. My team have been superstars. It's really fun working with them. They make my job easier. I have learned to be less uptight and it helped a lot, especially with my relationship with them.

I don't have any New Year's resolutions - i stopped doing that because I never really was successful following these resolutions. But I promise to be more thankful and more loving, to laugh more, to cry more, to smile more. To be a better friend and to be a better person the world is in need of. Actually, at the start of the new year, i thought to myself, "it's always the same thing!" Yes, it could be, but it doesn't mean I won't be thankful for giving me another year to be the person I was meant to be. Yes I am thankful.

childhood memories

It's been 12 years since I last saw them. Some of them have gotten married, while others have come out of the closet. Yesterday, I became an instant ninang to the first daughter of my grade school classmate, Shenah Jade. She was one of my best friends. You see, we even share the same second name. Other classmates were ninongs & ninangs too. After the baptismal service, we proceeded to their house for the celebration.

Over lunch, we reminisced about the good old days. Laughing so hard trying to remember the dance steps of our Final Countdown dance and what we wore during that presentation. We reminisced about who was close friends back then, who was the bully, who were the mean girls, the best in chinese garter, and the games we played during recess, lunch break and after school. Three of our classmates have now come out of the closet. Roberto was my rival back then. He has always been competitive when it comes to everything. Ryan was one of my close friends and has always been childish, while Rolly was the geeky one. Now, they are gay and inseparable.

Later that night, we took the reminiscing to another level: over Red Horse. A few more classmates joined in on the party. Ernie, the class bully, was there too. Actually, he and MokMok were the ones who fetched me at home. I learned that he's already married, but he's still the same old Ernie, but with more weight than when we were kids. Jamie, my supposed childhood sweetheart, arrived shortly after lunch. He's taller now and a CPA based in Cebu. On our way back to Shenah's place, we ran into Kirby, the class bad boy, my other supposed childhood sweetheart, my next door neighbor. We told him about the reunion and asked him to come.

There were 4 cases of Red Horse Grande before us, courtesy of Jamie, our financer, while the girls and the gays provided the entertainment. Kirby was the official tanggero, passing the plastic cup with Red Horse around. He was sitting beside me the whole night, in his best behaviour, to our classmates' surprise. Jamie kept teasing and asking me if we're "getting stronger". They said Kirby isn't like that at all. Either he doesn't show up during these kinds of gatherings with classmates or if he does, he's usually rowdy. Kirby said he doesn't really hang out with them because he usually feels out of place, since he's still a student while the rest are successful with their careers.

We stayed there until 4am in the morning, but I stopped drinking early, to Kirby's disappointment. LOL I asked Kirby to take me home, since we're neighbors, and he was sweet enough to make sure I got home safe. By the time I got home, my dad was already in the car, on their way out to attend the last Simbang Gabi. To absolve myself for staying out late and drinking, I went with them.

It was a nice experience seeing my classmates again. Although a lot has changed with us, it's good to know the person we knew back in elementary is still the same.